The Rise of All Conflict

Stop and think of the last time you got upset, mad, or bothered about something. With 99% accuracy I can tell you the basic cause of that controversy. VIOLATED EXPECTATIONS. In our mind we expect things to be a certain way. We expect our friend to treat us the way we would like, we expect to get that part we wanted in the play, we expect that that car next to us is going to stay in its own lane and not cut us off, we expect to not get the flu or the cold, we expect that our 5 year old sibling is not going to break the cookie jar. We inadvertently lay out all these expectations for ourselves and our world, and then without fail they are broken. And thus, with VIOLATED EXPECTATIONS there is controversy.

And SO, what you’ve got to do is change your expectation and you can be happy all the time. I don’t get mad or upset about things. Have you seen it happen? Bet you haven’t. The kid is 5, of course he’s probably going to break the cookie jar, so when he does break the cookie jar just enjoy the fact that he’s a fun little kid. It’s a highway---just pretend like the guy in the next lane first opened his window and said, “hey buddy, in about 4 seconds I’m going to drive in front of you and cut you off”. And then when he does, it will be quite a pleasurable experience. Therefore, I invite you all to do two things:

1. Clarify Expectations for others: tell that girl when you’re going to call and how often and she won’t ever get upset or anxious since the expectations have been laid. If you tell her, “hey I’m just going to call twice a week”, then when you don’t call her every day she won’t be mad or hurt at all. She’ll think you’re responsible. Tell your new roommate exactly what they should expect about your messy habits. I had a roommate at college who told us he would do the dishes when his turn came around, but he didn’t and everyone was upset (except me ). If he had told us right away that, “Hey guys, I have trouble doing the dishes and I probably won’t do them”, then we would have all felt pleasantly smart as we watched his prophecy come true.

2. Expect the Obvious: of course that kid is going to cry-he’s two. Of course it’s going to rain on the picnic day—and if you expected it then it’ll be again, a pleasant experience!

I'm not saying be pessimistic. Quite the contrary. But optimism is different than expectation. Run in smooth harmony with how the world is going and you'll be very successful.

On my mission in Taiwan my mission president Michael Hoer laid the underlying principles behind this theory and he is one of the happiest, most successful people I know. He has lived in a different culture most of his life and rather than trying to change the world around him to meet his expectations, he loves life and the Chinese culture around him, and makes sure to expect what is going to happen with the food, traffic, customs, etc..

Clarify expectations and have the right expectations yourself. Think again of that last time you were mad or had conflict and I bet that now you can see precisely why it happened. You expected one thing, perhaps subconsciously, and got another.

I am going to end this article in exactly 6 words.

See, wasn’t that a pleasant experience.