Not long ago I worked at a biathlon on a semi-chilly morning. I was inside collecting the data and typing up the results for most of the morning. My friend Loren, however, was out by the finish line for the 3-hour duration of the activity. About 30 minutes after the activity Loren and I were driving back to our office and she kept commenting on how cold she was. The day had warmed up considerably, however, and I really couldn’t tell how in the world she was still cold. What I had failed to realize, though, was that her body temperature had been lowered from being outside all morning, whereas mine had been retained from staying inside.
So many times we think people are coming from the same place that we are. We assume that they are in our same mood, that they have the same homework load, that they have the same family situation, and that what we hold important or as a priority is the same for them. What we feel (the current temperature) fails to account for their “body temperature” that is affected by who they are and what they have done and where they have been.
Saturday, May 28, 2011
Thursday, May 19, 2011
80/20
Last night I was talking with someone whose grandma had given them a great theory on dating. She called it the 80/20 rule.
I think everyone in the back of their mind, or on a typed-out list, or in what they've told people, have an idea of what their 100% significant other will be like. Maybe the "100" is very similar to you, maybe they have certain physical characteristics you've always been looking for, maybe they they have certain qualities of confidence or tact or kindness that you will not give up for anything. But maybe it isn't the "100" that we should look for.
We should, according to the theory, look for someone who has 80% of the things we "need", and granted there are definitely some things that you shouldn't budge on, but then also be ready to accept the other 20% of things that surprise us. Maybe you weren't expecting to date a blonde, to date someone a little quieter than you had expected, or who had had different life experiences than you had planned on. But I have learned lately that in having an 80/20 relationship, the differences make both of you stronger. Going for someone 80% "similar" to you is far from supporting the adage that "opposites attract", but the fact that it's not 100 is strengthening. Both then have to sacrifice, compromise, grow in new areas, and shrink in old ones in order to create a dynamic, new, and meaningful relationship. You are able to relate on many things, but it's also quite an adventure diving into their soul and discovering the differences.
And most of us, me especially, are too picky for their own good. The 80/20 rule helps you find the person you're looking for with the same basic standards and goals, but also allows you to be willing, ready, and excited to embrace and enjoy the differences.
I think everyone in the back of their mind, or on a typed-out list, or in what they've told people, have an idea of what their 100% significant other will be like. Maybe the "100" is very similar to you, maybe they have certain physical characteristics you've always been looking for, maybe they they have certain qualities of confidence or tact or kindness that you will not give up for anything. But maybe it isn't the "100" that we should look for.
We should, according to the theory, look for someone who has 80% of the things we "need", and granted there are definitely some things that you shouldn't budge on, but then also be ready to accept the other 20% of things that surprise us. Maybe you weren't expecting to date a blonde, to date someone a little quieter than you had expected, or who had had different life experiences than you had planned on. But I have learned lately that in having an 80/20 relationship, the differences make both of you stronger. Going for someone 80% "similar" to you is far from supporting the adage that "opposites attract", but the fact that it's not 100 is strengthening. Both then have to sacrifice, compromise, grow in new areas, and shrink in old ones in order to create a dynamic, new, and meaningful relationship. You are able to relate on many things, but it's also quite an adventure diving into their soul and discovering the differences.
And most of us, me especially, are too picky for their own good. The 80/20 rule helps you find the person you're looking for with the same basic standards and goals, but also allows you to be willing, ready, and excited to embrace and enjoy the differences.
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